Therapy is directed at helping the clients to understand mismatch in communication; interpersonal relationships; motivation; and learning/problem-solving, teaching, parenting, supervisory, and counseling styles. Each partner then learns to match the other’s preferred styles and to help one another develop the flexibility in values and cognitive styles that can improve their level of satisfaction within the relationship.

The people described here have one thing in common: They are in crisis because they feel different from those around them. The feeling of being different is accompanied by feelings of alienation and loneliness, depression, and anxiety. People who feel different feel misunderstood and undervalued. The feeling of being different is typical among members of minority groups.

The task facing the therapist trying to help a victim of the mismatch syndrome is a challenging one. This task is all the more difficult because mainstream theories and techniques of counseling and psychotherapy often ignore cultural and individual differences.

The neurotic person develops a self-image based on what others would like him or her to be, an idealized image, instead of developing a “true self.” The person becomes neurotic, developing a false self based on the shoulds of parents, societal institutions, and important others. This false self is an idealized image that forces the person to conform to certain imposed idealized standards and results in the disavowal and suppression of the true or real self.

The flex theory of personality looks to the levels of match and mismatch between individuals and their environments to explain problems of maladjustment. In the flex theory of personality, match and mismatch are assessed in two domains: cognitive and cultural.

This chapter introduces an approach to psychotherapy and counseling which evolved from the experience of treating clients who were suffering from feeling different and from mismatch shock.